Resisting Demands of an Individual with Borderline Personality Traits
In relationships where Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is present, effective communication becomes crucial for maintaining a healthy and stable connection. Here are some key strategies to help navigate saying 'no' while promoting safety, trust, and understanding.
Setting Clear Boundaries
Clearly and kindly communicating limits, including saying no when necessary, is essential for someone with BPD who often struggles with fear of abandonment and emotional instability. By setting boundaries, you create predictability and safety, fostering trust and respect that are vital for relationship health [1][2][3].
Validation of Feelings
When saying no, acknowledging and validating the person’s emotions without judgment—e.g., "I understand you feel upset about this"—helps them feel heard and reduces emotional reactivity, even if you must deny a request [1][3].
Active Listening
Giving full attention, using nonverbal cues, and paraphrasing to ensure understanding demonstrates respect. This encourages openness and helps the person with BPD feel valued, making them more receptive to hearing a no without escalating conflict [1].
Using "I" Statements
Expressing your own needs and feelings directly (e.g., "I can’t do this right now") avoids blame and reduces defensiveness, promoting clearer, more constructive communication [2].
Managing Emotional Intensity
Remaining calm, avoiding escalation (not responding with anger to anger), and shifting focus to less charged topics if needed helps to de-escalate potential emotional outbursts when setting boundaries or saying no [5].
Consistent Reinforcement
Maintaining limits consistently with patience and perseverance builds a sense of reliability and safety over time, which is particularly important given interpersonal instability in BPD [5].
By employing these communication strategies, you can respect the emotional experience of someone with BPD, protect yourself from burnout, and foster a healthier, more stable relationship for both parties involved [1][2][3][5].
Important Resources
If you or someone you know is in crisis, resources are available:
- Call 911 or your local emergency services number if you feel safe to do so.
- The Crisis Text Line (741741) is a free, confidential texting service for crisis support 24/7.
- The 988 Lifeline (988 or 988lifeline.org) is a free, confidential support line available 24/7 for anyone in crisis or considering suicide or self-harm.
- Befrienders Worldwide provides helplines in various countries.
Remember, being clear and vocal about boundaries is important when interacting with someone with BPD. If you're calling on behalf of someone else, stay with them until help arrives.
[1] Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press. [2] McMain, S. (2013). Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder: A Practical Guide for Clinicians. Routledge. [3] Newman, C. F., & Strauss, J. (2007). Borderline personality disorder: A guide for families and friends. Guilford Press. [4] Gunderson, J. G. (2001). Borderline personality disorder: Diagnosis and treatment. American Psychiatric Publishing. [5] Blum, J. L. (2015). The BPD Workbook: Seven Steps to Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder. New Harbinger Publications.
